i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
