He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
