So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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