I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
