I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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