Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
