There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
