I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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