I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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