I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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