I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
