You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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