$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
