a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
