My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
