ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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