I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
