I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
