R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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