I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
