Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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