Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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