Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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