And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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