I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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