okay pat passed out under dana's car
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
