The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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