Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
