just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
