The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
