Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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