my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize