hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We were destined to go to rehab together
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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