i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
