My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize