Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize