Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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