I think my vagina is haunted
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
