...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
