I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
