you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Let's get the cat blown out
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
