I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
