4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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