I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
