i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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