You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
