actually, I'm a sock model
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
it glows. i had to have it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
im on a boat
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