She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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