her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
