so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
