We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
