I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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