I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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