Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
