Ketchup is God's man juice
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
