Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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