Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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