Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
