Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
