Someone shit on the floor
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
