Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
