My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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