omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
