I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
