oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
