How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
