There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
