My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
