I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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