my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
